Washing the Dog
by kyokoaurora
Summary: Riza can shoot like no one else can. But she can't bathe a dog...


Washing the Dog

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. RoyxRiza. Mildly funny.

Riza Hawkeye looked at Black Hayate.

Black Hayate looked back at her, tongue lolling happily at having gained his mistress's attention, even if it was for the worst reason that any dog could imagine.

Black Hayate had fleas. Riza had tried to deny it at first, letting loose on poor Falman when he had suggested it, and another round on the unfortunate dog to force him to stop his incessant scratching.

It had worked…for all of three seconds.

The he began tearing at his ears again. What a waste of a wall. (If you don't get this, remember how Riza fired at him to housetrain him)

Finally, when she had discovered a hairy insect sampling her leg that morning, Riza had known it was time to take action.

And that was how the second Lieutenant had found herself staring at her dog, wire brush and shampoo in hand, and feeling vaguely guilty for the treatment she was about to inflict on the poor creature.

"Right" she thought determinedly "Commence termination of unsanitary life-forms starting now!" She lunged at the dog.

Alas for Riza, the mutt was not as dopey as he looked. When the offensive brush was less than two millimetres from his face, the dog leapt sideways, causing Riza to slam painfully into the wall behind him.

"Ow……" she moaned. That had hurt. She opened her eyes blearily to Black Hayate's tail vanish around a corner. _'Oh God'_ Riza thought, wide awake now at the thought of the infested hound rampaging through the barracks. Scrambling to her feet, she tore down the hall to attempt to prevent what was sure to be certain disaster.

"So I said to the General 'that's not a rabbit, it's a fish!" The man went off into laughter, leaving Fuery following, albeit rather weakly. This guy was such a bad joke teller that even the placid Fuery's patience was thinner than a mouse's whisker. So when the familiar dog burst into the room, panting wildly, his first thought was not _how_ or _why_ the animal was clearly where he _should not be_, but one of relief that he didn't have to listen to this buffoon anymore.

His mind was quickly alerted to more logical matters however, by the arrival of Riza. And that got everyone's attention, trust me. She came in for a fair amount of hassle, being one the few women in the military, and arguably the most attractive. Today, the men were shocked.

The Lieutenant's hair had been torn from its professional style and hung in tangled tendrils about her face, her usually impeccably pressed uniform was adorned with numerous creases and dust of all description coated it also, and her face bore witness to the wall's superior density in the form of a quickly forming shiner over her right eye.

She glared bloodthirstily at all of them, looking rather frightening. "Where is he?" she rasped, unable to say anymore. The barely masked anger did enough to galvanise the men into action regardless.

Breda, who, predictably, was hiding on top of the cupboard again, answered her. "H-h-h-he's o-o-o-over t-there!" he stammered, his violent shaking making his not so reliable perch wobble precariously.

Riza turned, and saw the mutt scrunched into a corner. "There you are!" she snarled, and limped toward the animal. Hayate had other ideas once again however and ran between her legs, causing her to fall dangerously off balance.

'_If I'm gonna fall, I'm not gonna squeal while I'm doing it!'_ Riza thought. She closed her eyes and waited to be acquainted with the floor. They never met, for Riza was suddenly being supported by something warm and strong.

'Eh?' Riza looked up to see a puzzled Roy Mustang with his arms around her torso, holding her up. She struggled out of his grip and saluted. "Sir! I apologise for this disturbance, Sir!"

"Agh…" Roy had no snappy comeback for this one, and gaped at the bedraggled woman.

Luckily, he was saved from having to reply by Havoc asking to the room in general what they were going to do about Hayate. Riza was reminded of the embarrassing predicament she was in, and hastened to explain. Many minutes later, Roy was still trying to get his head around it all, and not succeeding too well at it either. He rubbed his temples, and made another attempt. "So what you're saying to me is…that you had planned to bath the mutt and he escaped from you. Is that correct?"

A very nervous Riza nodded mutely. What would happen? Letting animals loose in the barracks was unheard of, and this particular animal had caused enough mayhem to make sure that it never would be again.

"Well, I guess there's really only one solution" Roy said, scratching his head. "Somebody's gonna have to help you"

Riza blushed scarlet at this last comment. The humiliation! Riza Hawkeye, master markswoman and strict commander, was unable to bathe a dog, and her Colonel knew it. The very person whose admiration she desired the most, knew that she couldn't handle the most mundane of tasks. Her life was over. She continued to brood on this while Mustang interrogated the others.

Fuery looked eager, but Roy discounted him. Too sappy to handle the beast.

Havoc was smoking again, making it perfectly clear that he was not doing it.

Falman was way too passive. The dog would fool him easily.

Obviously, Breda wasn't counted.

So that just left… "Me" Roy realised. _'I'm the only one'_ Silently cursing, he turned back to Riza, who was still lost in thought, and said stiffly "Since nobody else seems to be able to do this…I'll help you"

Riza was in shock. She had come out of her reverie just in time to hear Mustang say something about helping her. At least, she thought she had. Was she delusional?

It would appear that she wasn't, however, for the next moment Roy had left the room, calling back "If you want to clean that dog today, then move it, Hawkeye!" She moved it alright. It was bad enough that he had to do this at all, but she certainly wasn't going to make him wait for her as well.

"Alright, what do we do first, then?" Roy asked, gazing apprehensively at the mountain of canine beauty products.

Riza was still quite flustered to have Roy in her bathroom so she was a tad slow on the uptake. When she did cotton on, she said "O-Oh…we have to rinse him first. Wordlessly, he yanked the dog by the collar and flung him into the tub, ignoring the yelping. He then proceeded to douse Hayate mercilessly with water.

'_Wow…he was able to lift Hayate with one hand__, he's strong…'_ she thought. Riza realised she was drooling and shut her mouth as Roy turned around again. "Next?" he queried sullenly.

'_Uh-oh…he's annoyed'_ she thought worriedly. "We have to shampoo him" She took a blue bottle from a shelf and dumped liberal amounts of goop onto the protesting hound, and they lathered him up until he looked like a Baked Alaska.

"And now we rinse him off again" Riza said, not waiting for him to ask. The dog disappeared under another deluge of liquid. "And that's it!" she declared, moving back from the tub.

Roy sighed inwardly in relief. His uniform was ruined, wet, stained and just generally messed up. _'Never again'_ he vowed silently.

There was an awkward moment then. Riza decided to break the silence. "Sir? Thanks" she said softly, smiling.

And in Roy's mind, the chance to see her oh-so-rare smile was worth it all.

Then fate, if fate happened to look like Black Hayate, that is, stepped in and gave them a push, literally.

Riza yelled in surprise as Hayate suddenly turned and ran away, spraying water everywhere, and sending Riza flying for the second time that day. Yelling, she groped in midair for something to cling to, and the first thing she came into contact with was Roy's sleeve, and she grabbed it and held on instinctively.

Roy yelled as well as he was brought into the tub along with Riza, landing on top of her.

For a few seconds, neither said anything, trying to figure out how they had ended up like this. And then, Roy started laughing. He couldn't help it. He laughed and laughed and soon Riza joined him. They laughed until they could laugh no more. Breathlessly, they clung to each other for support, the disturbed water lapping around them.

It was then that they saw the position they were in. Thoughts flew at lightning speed through both their minds, and landed at one conclusion.

Very gently, so as not to scare her, Roy brushed him wet lips against hers, and was delighted when Riza responded, pushing her tongue inside his mouth eagerly. They kissed for a good long time before being interrupted by a sharp yap. Hayate was sitting down at the door, waggling his tail and looking at the pair inquisitively.

"Damn dog" Roy muttered, moving his wet hair out of his face. "You mean _good_ dog" Riza chided, grinning. "If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't be here right now, so thank him"

"I guess" He sighed and said "Thanks mutt"

"Is that enough?" eh looked to her for approval. She nodded and he went to kiss her again

The End

My first FMA fic is done! I know its not brilliant, I ran out of enthusiasm two minutes in, but I would appreciate reviews!


End file.
